Family in Japanese: Two Sets of Words for the Same People

Japanese keeps two sets of family words: a plain set for your own relatives, a polite set for everyone else's.

Talk to a coworker about your own father, then ask that coworker what her older sister does:

父は銀行で働いています。ちちはぎんこうではたらいています。 (chichihaginkoudehataraiteimasu.)

My father works at a bank.

お姉さんはどんな仕事をしていますか。おねえさんはどんなしごとをしていますか。 (oneesanhadonnashigotowoshiteimasuka.)

What kind of work does your older sister do?

Use the plain set whenever you speak about your own family to an outsider. Do not use it to address your own parents, because nobody calls their own mother 母はは (haha) to her face.

Both sentences are equally polite, and neither word is warmer than the other. The noun changed because the family changed.

The split marks whose family it is, not how you feel about them. A word that honors your own father sounds wrong to the coworker in front of you. Your fondness for him does not change that.

So one question comes before the word. Is the family you are describing your own, or is it someone else's?

Answer your own and you take the plain word. Answer someone else's and you take the polite one.

Age does not decide which set you take, and neither does how close you are. A stranger's mother and your best friend's mother take the same polite word.

Politeness level is a separate matter, and the wider system of raising and lowering has a field note of its own. A sentence can end in ます (masu) either way, and the family word changes without the ending changing.

The pairs cover the family members you name most often, and each plain word has a polite partner. Here is the same relative twice, once for your side and once for theirs.

Read the pairs across and the relative stays the same. Only the family in question changes, and the word follows it.

Nothing on the plain side is rude. These are the ordinary words for describing your own family to anyone outside it.

The polite side is not built from one ending either. お父さんおとうさん (otousan) takes お (o) in front and さん (san) after it, while ご両親ごりょうしん (goryoushin) takes ご (go) and no さん (san) at all.

The さん (san) on the end has its own field note. Here you need the pairing itself: one word for your side, another for theirs.

Speaking to an outsider about your own family, you take the plain words: 父ちち (chichi), 母はは (haha), 兄あに (ani), and 姉あね (ane).

An outsider is anyone outside your household. A coworker, a teacher, and a clerk at a counter all count as outside.

A job interview works the same way. Say 兄あに (ani) for your own older brother, however formal the setting is.

父ちち (chichi) is the neutral, ordinary way to mention your own dad at work. It is not cold, and it is not a demotion.

A coworker asks what your father does for a living, and this is the error to avoid:

❌ 私のお父さんは先生です。わたしのおとうさんはせんせいです。 (watashinootousanhasenseidesu.)

⭕ 父は先生です。ちちはせんせいです。 (chichihasenseidesu.)

My father is a teacher.

父ちち (chichi) is right because your own family takes the plain word in front of an outsider.

私のお父さんわたしのおとうさん (watashinootousan) fails twice. The polite word lifts your own father up, and 父ちち (chichi) already means my father.

So 私のわたしの (watashino) is not needed in front of it. The plain word already names him as yours.

The rest of the plain set works the same way. Use 母はは (haha) for your own mother, 兄あに (ani) for your own older brother, and 姉あね (ane) for your own older sister.

Your own younger siblings are 弟おとうと (otouto) and 妹いもうと (imouto) when you describe them to an outsider. Your own parents are 両親りょうしん (ryoushin) in the same setting.

None of these words point at anyone else. Use 母はは (haha) about a friend's mother and the sentence still says your own.

Speaking about someone else's family, you switch to the polite set: お父さんおとうさん (otousan), お母さんおかあさん (okaasan), お兄さんおにいさん (oniisan), and お姉さんおねえさん (oneesan).

お母さんおかあさん (okaasan) is the word for another person's mother, whether you know her or not.

Ask a classmate what her father does and the word is お父さんおとうさん (otousan). Ask a colleague about his mother and it is お母さんおかあさん (okaasan).

You ask a coworker how Tanaka-san's mother is doing, and this is the error to avoid:

❌ 田中さんの母は元気ですか。たなかさんのはははげんきですか。 (tanakasannohahahagenkidesuka.)

⭕ 田中さんのお母さんは元気ですか。たなかさんのおかあさんはげんきですか。 (tanakasannookaasanhagenkidesuka.)

Is Tanaka-san's mother well?

お母さんおかあさん (okaasan) is right because someone else's family always takes the polite set. 母はは (haha) fails because that word is reserved for your own mother.

The possessive の (no) often tells you which set you need. 田中さんのたなかさんの (tanakasanno) marks the family as someone else's, and the polite word follows it.

A name is not the only marker. A job title in front of の (no) points at that person's family, and the polite word follows there as well.

Word order has its own field note, and the N5 grammar list takes の (no) apart.

Politeness here is not flattery. The polite word marks the family as not yours, and that is the work it is doing here.

You can be close to your own mother and still say 母はは (haha) about her at work. You can barely know a coworker and still say お母さんおかあさん (okaasan) about his.

At home you call your own mother お母さんおかあさん (okaasan) to her face. The polite word you use about other people's mothers is the word you use to address your own.

Step outside and describe her to a coworker, and the word you need is 母はは (haha). Who is listening decides whether you are describing her or addressing her.

Home has calling forms of its own as well. 母さんかあさん (kaasan) and 父さんとうさん (tousan) are ways to call out to a parent, not ways to describe one.

兄さんにいさん (niisan) and 姉さんねえさん (neesan) work the same way for older siblings. Neither one describes a person to an outsider.

Younger siblings go by name, because the sibling words are used only for older ones. You call an older brother お兄さんおにいさん (oniisan) at home, and a younger brother by his given name.

For someone else's younger siblings you add さん (san), but your own younger sister stays 妹いもうと (imouto).

A classmate mentions his younger sister, and you ask about her:

妹さんも大学生ですか。いもうとさんもだいがくせいですか。 (imoutosanmodaigakuseidesuka.)

Is your younger sister a college student too?

Drop the さん (san) here and you are talking about your own sister. Add it to your own and you lift your own family in front of an outsider.

What a household uses indoors can differ from family to family, and small children often say ママ (mama). Speak to someone outside and the word returns to 母はは (haha).

So the reversal is about who is listening, not about a new set of words. The same polite word does the calling inside and the describing outside.

The same pairing runs past parents and siblings. Grandparents, spouses, and children each come in a plain word and a polite one.

The pattern is steady enough to predict most of the time. A plain word for your side, and a polite word built with お (o), ご (go), or さん (san) for theirs.

Your own grandmother is 祖母そぼ (sobo) to an outsider, and someone else's is おばあさん (obaasan). Your own grandfather is 祖父そふ (sofu), and someone else's is おじいさん (ojiisan).

Tell a coworker what your grandmother enjoys, and the plain word does the describing:

祖母は音楽が好きです。そぼはおんがくがすきです。 (sobohaongakugasukidesu.)

My grandmother likes music.

A long vowel separates a grandmother from an aunt. おばあさん (obaasan) is a grandmother, おばさん (obasan) is an aunt, and the long vowel is the whole difference.

おじいさん (ojiisan) and おじさん (ojisan) divide the same way, into a grandfather and an uncle. Shorten the vowel by accident and you have changed the relative, not the politeness.

Spouses follow the pairing too. Your own wife is 妻つま (tsuma) and your own husband is 夫おっと (otto), while someone else's are traditionally 奥さんおくさん (okusan) and ご主人ごしゅじん (goshujin).

Children work the same way. Your own son is 息子むすこ (musuko) and someone else's is 息子さんむすこさん (musukosan), and the pair for daughters is 娘むすめ (musume) and 娘さんむすめさん (musumesan).

The word for the family as a whole pairs the same way. Your own is 家族かぞく (kazoku) and someone else's is ご家族ごかぞく (gokazoku), with the prefix ご (go) and never お (o).

家族かぞく (kazoku) covers everyone in the family, while 両親りょうしん (ryoushin) names the parents alone. Parents take that same prefix, which is why the polite form is ご両親ごりょうしん (goryoushin).

The list of pairs gets longer, and the question in front of it does not change. Ask whose family the relative belongs to, and the plain word or the polite one follows.

Pick the wrong one in conversation and a listener will still follow you. The pairs become automatic with use, one relative at a time.

Ask whose family it is: your own takes the plain word, anyone else's takes the polite one.

Address your own mother as お母さんおかあさん (okaasan), but call her 母はは (haha) to outsiders.

Your own family is 家族かぞく (kazoku), and someone else's is ご家族ごかぞく (gokazoku). The polite form takes the prefix ご (go) and never お (o).

The same split applies to the individual words. 母はは (haha) is your own mother, and お母さんおかあさん (okaasan) is another person's.

母はは (haha) is your own mother, described to someone outside your family. お母さんおかあさん (okaasan) is another person's mother, and it is also how you address your own mother at home.

Neither word is more respectful than the other on its own. The right one depends on which family you are describing and who is listening.

At home, yes. You call your own mother お母さんおかあさん (okaasan) to her face, and small children often say ママ (mama).

Describing her to a coworker is different. There the word is 母はは (haha), the plain form reserved for your own mother.

Inside Ukiyoe Japanese, the family words have a page of their own, and it asks which word your own younger sister takes. Beside it is “Family words, inside and out,” a drill that gives you a listener and asks you to choose between 母はは (haha) and お母さんおかあさん (okaasan). It works through the grandparents, the spouses, and the children as well.